How to (actually) apologize, using the 4As.
A simple framework to apologize better. At work and in your life.
We’ve all messed up.
A deadline slipped. You said something that landed wrong. You lost your temper. You forgot to loop someone in.
And now you need to apologize.
The problem? Most apologies suck. They’re vague (“So sorry about that”), blame-shift-y (“Sorry if you were offended”), defensive (“I’m sorry, but…”), or incomplete (no follow-up action). They actually erode trust instead of rebuild it.
So how do you apologize in a way that actually restores, and maybe even strengthens1, trust?
Please meet the 4A Apology Framework. Use it at work. Use it at home. Passive aggressively send it to your mom. (Just kidding…if you’re forwarded this email you should assume it’s because this is a helpful articulation of something that you already do well 😉)
The 4A Apology Framework
A great apology has four key parts:
Acknowledge
Say exactly what happened, without spin or deflection.
Example: “I missed the project deadline we agreed on.”Apologize
Use the actual words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Keep it simple.
Example: “I’m sorry for not delivering on time.”Action
Explain how you’re going to fix it or prevent it from happening again.
Example: “I’ve re-prioritized my schedule to make sure the revised deadline is met.”Advance
Focus on moving forward together.
Example: “I value working with you and want to make sure this doesn’t get in the way.”
I didn’t create this framework, but I’m often inclined to add my own fifth A: Ask. Check in with the person on how your apology is landing, if you captured things accurately, or what they need moving forward. “What else can I do to support your team from here?” or “How do you see things?”
The beauty of the framework is that the whole thing can be as short as a few sentences. No need to drag it out. But the completeness and ownership makes it land.
What might this look like in the real world?
In 2011 a San Francisco Airbnb host's home was vandalized by a guest, and Airbnb was slow to respond to the incident. In response, CEO Brian Chesky wrote a detailed, heartfelt blog post.
“With regards to EJ [the host], we let her down, and for that we are very sorry. We should have responded faster, communicated more sensitively, and taken more decisive action to make sure she felt safe and secure…To EJ, and all the other hosts who have had bad experiences, we know you deserve better from us.
We want to make it right. On August 15th, we will be implementing a $50,000 Airbnb Guarantee, protecting the property of hosts from damage by Airbnb guests who book reservations through our website. We will extend this program to EJ and any other hosts who may have reported such property damage while renting on Airbnb in the past.
We’ve built this company by listening to our community. Guided by your feedback, we have iterated to become safer and more secure. Our job’s not done yet; we’re still evolving. In the wake of these recent events, we’ve heard an uproar from people, both inside and outside our community. Know that we were closely listening.”2
Clear acknowledgement. Clear apology. Clear action. Clear advancement.
Or maybe you’re not in a major PR crisis. It could be as simple as:
“I’m sorry I had my phone out at dinner yesterday. My work anxiety shouldn’t have gotten in the way of our family time, and I really apologize that I wasn’t present. It’s not how I want to show up for you guys. I’m going to try to leave my phone in the other room next time so it’s not even a distraction.”
No ifs, ands, or buts. No “I’m sorry that you think…” Just a clear and accountable statement of apology.
Whether you’re in a major corporate crisis, you inadvertently upset a teammate, or you’ve made a mistake at home, check yourself with the 4 (or five!) A’s for an “I’m sorry” that will actually land. Maybe even strengthen trust. ❤️🩹